Judges, Kings, and Party-Crashers

Judges 3:7 “The Israelites did evil in the eyes of the Lord; they forgot the Lord their God, and served the Baals and the Asherahs.”

Kam: So the special people are in the special place, what happened next? Did the festivities start.

Narrator: The story gets less tidy at this point. Once they got to the special place, they followed most of God’s directions—well, some of God’s directions; and so the party with God started. But it wasn’t that good of a party.

Kam: Did they not have hats? Was there a problem with theme? Did they DJ play too much Dub step?

Narrator: Those are excellent ways to ruin a party? Dub step is awful. No, the Hebrew folks, who were called Israel by most peops, ruined the party when they invited other god’s and the parties got out of hand in all the worst ways, and then there’d be party crashers—the Philistines and the Canaanites usually.

Kam: Why invite other gods? Didn’t they remember how lame Egypt was with their other gods?

Narrator: They remembered a bit too much of Egypt, in some ways. They couldn’t get Egyptian ideas about partying out of them, and so other gods got invited, and party crashers came, and things got unfun. And so God would have to send people called judges to tell the party crashers to go home, and remind Israel about the One God rule. The first time was a dude name Othniel.

Random Israel person: I love partying with other gods—Baal and Asherah are great, so edgy. I love doing whatever I want to do, especially evil. WEEEEE!!!!

King Aram: Hey Israel: this is my party now. Go make me some nachos. Chop Chop.

Kam: Who’s Aram?

Narrator: A neighbor dude. Not really a good neighbor. Kind of a jerk really.

Othniel: Hey everybody—God told me that Baal and Asherah have to leave. Aram no one invited you. This isn’t your party. We’re not making you nachos. Get out.

Narrator: So Aram went home and the partying got back to being alright for awhile. But then Israel started doing whatever they wanted.

Kam: And they didn’t want to party with God?

Narrator: No, they still had a lot of ideas about partying from Egypt, and their neighbors too. The God party was a really new thing, so most ideas they got about the party from neighbors didn’t really mesh well. Those ideas were pretty bad, and usually ended with people treating each other pretty bad.

Kam: Who knew partying would be so freaking tough?

Narrator: Well, a little leaven leavens the whole lump.

Kam: What does that mean?

Narrator: It means we should get back to the story. Israel continued to suck at partying.

Random Israel Persn: Oh man—I love doing evil—it really spices up a party.

Eglon King of Moab: Hey Israel—this is my party now. Go make me some nachos. Also I want some grape soda. From now on nothing but grape soda. That’s what partying is about.

Random Israel Person: Grape soda is the worst. This party is lame. GAWD!!! Help us.

Narrator: So God sent a dude named Ehud, who took partying quite seriously.

Ehud: Hey Eglon—God heard you’re being a jerk and sent me to tell you something.

Eglon King of Moab: What’s that?

Ehud: Take you grape soda and lame gods home.

Narrator: Then Ehud punched Eglon right in his fat stupid stomach—his hand sunk in so far his hand almost got stuck, and made a slurping sound when he took it out. Everyone was super grossed out. Then things got back to norm for a while. But the Israel started doing whatever they wanted again.

Kam: Seems to be a pattern?

Narrator: Yes. I’m glad you’re paying attention. The story of God’s Party has a lot of patterns, and throw-backs to earlier stories.

Kam: Like Star Wars The Force Awakens and Star Wars a New Hope.

Narrator: Exactly like that! Ehud and Othniel are like mini-Moses’ in the same way Rey is like the new Luke, just like the First Order is a throw-back/remnant of the Empire; the lame party, and the crashers kept popping up and being eerily similar to one another.

Random Israel Person: Evil. It’s rad. WEEE!!!

Jabin King of Canaan: Hey, Israel—this is my party now. Make me some Nachos.

Narrator: Jabin was chased off by Debra, who sung a song about it.

Kam: Just like Miriam in the Exodus story.  The Return of the Diva. Awesome.

Narrator: Indeed! Then the Midianites crashed the party—Gideon told them to go home. Israel kept on doing whatever they wanted, the party kept getting crashed—and each time the crashers were sent-off, the party became less a party, more work.

Everybody was doing whatever they want was getting to be pretty lame. Israel didn’t have a king, and the whole “judges” thing was kind of anarchy.

1 Samuel 3:11 “And the Lord said to Samuel: “See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears about it tingle.”

Father: Well, we better do something. This party is pretty lame.

Son: They’re not even wearing the party hats we made them.

Spirit: And they keep on letting those party crashers in, or even inviting other gods in—and other gods lead to people being jerks.

Father: This keeps up, their gonna lose their special place and be stuck making nachos for someone else’s party a long way from home.

Spirit: We’d better step in.

Father: Samuel should be pretty useful for this stuff. He’s a good listener.

Kam: Like me?

Narrator: Yes Kam. Like you, only slightly more humble.

Kam: I can live with that. It’s hard to be humble when you’re as great as I am.

Narrator: So God went to talk with Samuel; who was hanging out with a priest named Eli.

Spirit: Hey Samuel!

Samuel: What is it Eli?

Eli: I didn’t say anything. Go back to sleep.

Spirit: Samuel!

Samuel: What is it Eli?

Eli: I didn’t say anything. It may be God. Sometimes he talks to people who are trying to sleep. If you hear the voice again, just tell him you’re listening.

Samuel: Why would God talk to me?

Eli: I don’t know? It’s late. Why do you ask me these types of questions late at night? I just want to sleep.

Samuel: Ok.

Spirit: Samuel!

Samuel: I’m listening. Is this God?

Father: Yeah.

Samuel: Rad!! I’m a HUGE fan.

Son: Hey man, we’re gonna do some cool stuff pretty soon.

Spirit: When that stuff happens, you’re gonna be our man on the ground. Explaining stuff to Israel.

Samuel: That sounds tough. Those guys can be super dense.

Father: We’ve noticed. Israel doesn’t listen very well. But you do. So we’re gonna talk to you, and you’re gonna talk to them.

Samuel: Oh. Well, alright.

Narrator: It was about that time Israel, thinking hard about how to be a blessing to the other nations, decided to go pick a fight with another nation: the Philistines.

Random Israel Person: Hey Philistines. Y’all smell like my grandpa’s house.

Philistines: Is that a bad thing? It’s kind of a reference we wouldn’t understand. It’s better to insult people with things that are common experience; so the person or persons you’re insulting recognize the reference and get the insult. The whole point of an insult is the other person knowing what you’re talking about. Like: “You smell like dog poop.” We all have dogs and know what that smells like.

Random Israel Person: Well, my grandpa’s house smells bad. He hasn’t kept up with the cleaning since my grandma died. It’s mildewy.

Philistines: We’re sorry to hear about your grandma. That’s too bad. Also, now we’re gonna fight.

Narrator: So the Philistines and Israel started fighting.

Random Israel Person: Let’s get the Ark of the Covenant—if we bring that, God will have to come out and fight with us, than the Philistines are toast.

Narrator: So Israel brought the Ark to the battle.  God didn’t like the whole sitch, and wasn’t gonna show-up cuz Israel brought the Ark.

Father: We don’t work like that.

Spirit: We’re not a genie popping out whenever you call us out of our little home.

Narrator: So the Philistines stole the ark. Then Ark was stolen back, then stolen again. Almost like capture the flag. A really lame, heretical version of capture the flag—with lot’s of hard to pronounce names.

Spirit: Samuel. Listen up.

Samuel: I’m listening.

Son: This game is dumb; and unhelpful with partying.

Father: Tell Israel to kick out the other gods, and promise to party just with us. Like we’ve been saying the whole time. And we’ll make it so the Philistines stop bugging them.

Samuel: Aight. Sounds good.

Narrator: So Samuel told the folks in Israel to do what the Lord said, Israel did it, and then God made some thunder and shooed the Philistines off, and Israel was pretty ok for awhile.

Kam: I’m guessing things got lame again?

Narrator: You’ve been paying attention. That’s very good.

1 Samuel 8:4-5 “So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, ‘You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; appoint a king to lead us, such as the other nations have.”

Narrator: Samuel was old. Israel was worried there wouldn’t be someone to keep the Philistines out of the party.

Random Israel Person: Samuel. You’re looking really really really old.

Samuel: Thanks.

Random Israel Person: We want to have a king.

Samuel: You mean like Pharaoh. I seem to remember that being problematic.

Random Israel Person: Whatever. Just find a king. Kings are super in these days. All the other nations are doing it. Come on Samuel. Be cool. For once in your life, just be cool.

Samuel: I’ll talk to God about this. But I think it’s a stupid idea, and won’t solve the bigger problem of you yokels not knowing how to party.

Narrator: So Samuel went to talk to God.

Samuel: So, uhhh God. Israel wants a king.

Father: BAH!

Son: Alright. Well, tell them we’ll give them a king. I’m pretty sure we can work that into the party planning—another layer to the theme. 

Spirit: But make sure to warn them. Kings will get super rich off taxes, and claim lots of rights.

Son: Kings will take their sons fight in wars.

Father: Kings will get lots of chariots. Big armies. Take nice land, donkeys, livestock, food, money… They’re takers.

Spirit: Kings end up acting like Pharaoh. With kings folks will trust in chariots and armies more than us.

Father: That’ll make partying with us tougher… could end up wrecking things, and peops being forced to serve nachos at other peoples parties…

Son: like Egypt days…. But ok. Give the people what they want.

Kam: Why would God be ok with a king? Seems to be counter-productive.

Narrator: Well, God is pretty clever, and thinks ahead. The king-theme, the whole God’s-anointed-special-person (or messiah) idea would become central to God’s Party, and his big reveal/kick-off.

Kam: Sounds complicated.

Narrator: Big stories are complicated. Samuel went and told Israel. He warned them that Kings have a tendency to go bad; they tend towards taking more than their share. But Israel wanted a king—they wanted that nice warm safe feeling that comes with giant armies. So Samuel went to find a king.

Samuel: I don’t even know what I’m looking for. God just told me the guy will be taller than the other guys. I don’t get God’s directions sometimes.

Saul: Hey old man, I lost some donkeys. Have you seen any wandering around here.

Samuel: Nope I haven’t seen any donkeys. Funny, I’m looking for something to. I need to find a tall dude.

Saul: I’m tall. It’s like my best quality.

Samuel: So you are. You’re gonna be the new king.

Saul: But what about the donkeys.

Samuel: They’ll turn-up.

Narrator: Saul was as moody as he was tall.

Kam: Moody like you before coffee, or moody like Anakin Skywalker?

Narrator: More like Anakin—a brooding moodiness. Saul’s kingship in Israel had mixed reviews, but he was mostly a bad king. Most of what he did was fight with Philistines. Towards the end he started trying to kill David—who was a super talented, strapping young lad, whom God had chosen to be the next king. Saul didn’t succeed in his efforts to kill David.  

2 Samuel 5:1-2 “All the tribes of Israel came to David and said, “We are your own flesh and blood. In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord said to you ‘You shall shepherd my people Israel, and you shall become their ruler.”

Narrator: David became king. He moved the capital to Jerusalem. He moved the Ark of the Covenant to Jerusalem. He kicked the Philistines out. Things went well for David.

Kam: Seems like the King thing is working out pretty well.

Narrator: David’s King-ship got off to a great start. God was super stoked about David—he was a very talented partier—dancing and singing, and artsy. David had skills.

Father: So this David guy. . .

Spirit: He’s doing pretty well.

Son: Dude’s got a lot of energy, it’s a nice change of pace.

Father: I agree, he’s the good kind of moody. Feels a lot.

Son: He’s pretty adorbs.

Father: I was thinking this whole king business could be used for some good.

Spirit: I agree. We could rif on it.

Son: Make it something real awesome down the line.

Father: Exactly.

Spirit: Of course they’re gonna screw-it up.

Son: Well obviously.

Father: But like… down the line… this anointed-one-king-stuff will be real helpful in the future.

Narrator: So the Lord invited some folks over for a little ceremony—a second covenant thing.

Kam: Like Abraham. The pattern continues.

Narrator: Yup Yup.

Father: David, you and your kids are going to be a special fam to us.

Son: They’re gonna be a key to the covenant promise stuff we talked about with Abraham.

Spirit: What we’re saying is that you and your family will always have a kingdom.

Father: FOR—EV—ER.

David: Thanks. You’re the best!

Narrator: And David continued kicking butt. He finally cleared the whole dance floor—all of the special place that God had promised Abraham was safe for partying. The covenant stuff was working. The Party was taking shape. David himself loved to cut-a-rug, as they say—and once danced in-front of all Israel because he was so stoked on God’s party. Things were coming together. It was about time for the party to go out to all the other people, not just Israel.

David: Things are going great. I’m gonna take a moment to relax. I know I should be out with the army now, but I needs me some ME time. Joab!

Joab: Yeah David.

David: I’m gonna stick around the palace today. You go out to the army. Cover for me. I’m going to set my hammock up on the roof and catch a few z’s.

Joab: OK. But the fellas were really looking forward to seeing you. You know you’re their favorite.

David: Oh, they’ll like you just as much. Look at that smile. Who couldn’t love you? Now go on, I need to chilax.

Narrator: So David went up to the roof. Looking around he saw real pretty lady, and he decided to not do the hammock thing, and instead pitch some woo to the lovely lady.

Kam: What does that mean? Sounds like David was just being a creeper.

Narrator: David was being a creeper. Pitching woo is an nice way of saying David got real firm in his romanticizing of the pretty lady.

Kam: That sounds really creepy. Really bad.

Narrrator: It was really creepy. It was really bad, and it got worse.

David: Hello there! What’s your name?

Bathsheba: Bathsheba.

David: Huh. That’s not as pretty a name as I expected.

Bathsheba: You’re quite the charmer.

David: Hey, come up here and sleep with me.

Bathsheba: I’m married.

David: I’m the king.

Narrator: So David slept with Bathsheba. She got super preggers. David felt bad, because it was kind of an extremely awful thing he did.

Kam: Sounds like David is really sucking at the Party thing. Statutory rape is a really bad party foul.

Narrator: Yup. The story of God’s party has some really dark moments. And this is definitely one of them. David tried to cover up his awfulness by getting Bathsheba’s husband Uriah the Hittite back, so he could sleep with her and think the baby was his.

Kam: What’s a Hittite?

Narrator: Some one from north of Israel.

Kam: So, like someone from one of the nations that Israel is supposed to bless.

Narrator: Yup.

Kam: And David, the special person to the special people in the special place sleeps with Uriah’s wife. That’s a crap blessing.

Narrator: Yup. So David of course tried to cover it up.

David: HEY JOAB!

Narrator: He was yelling, because Joab was out with the army—you know, where David should have been.

Joab: WHAT?

David: HOWS THE ARMY?

Joab: THEY’RE GOOD. YOU SHOULD BE HERE.

David: MAYBE LATER. SEND URIAH BACK.

Narrator: So Joab sent Uriah back.

David: So Uriah, how’s the wife?

Uriah: I haven’t seen her. I don’t feel like it’s appropes since the other army peops can’t see their wives.

David: Oh. Well, I’ll send some wine over, and some musicians. Set the mood. You know, so you and the little lady can have some special time.

Uriah: Oh, don’t do that. I’m just gonna sleep out here in the yard.

David: Oh.

Kam: What a creeper!

Narrator: David came up with another plan.

Kam: A plan to try and make up for being a complete creeper.

Narrator: Not exactly.

David: HEY JOAB.

Joab: YEAH?

David: PUT URIAH IN THE FRONT OF THE BATTLE, AND THEN RETREAT.

Joab: BUT HE’LL BE KILLED.

David: I KNOW.

Narrator: So Uriah went back to the army and got killed. David took Bathsheba as a wife, that first baby died. Later, the Bathsheba had a kid named Solomon. David’s family got real messed up. Brothers loved sisters in the wrong and creepy way. Brothers killed brother. Son’s tried to kill their father. Things got wack. Things unraveled pretty quick. And when Solomon became king—he ended-up being exactly what Samuel and God had talked about. Solomon had crazy amounts of everything from wives to chariots. Israel wasn’t partying in any special way, they partied just the same as all other peops.

1 Kings 10:26 “Solomon accumulated chariots and horses; he had fourteen hundred chariots and twelve thousand horses, which he kept in the chariot cities and also with him in Jerusalem.

Kam: Well, that’s not a particularly hopeful place to end the story.

Narrator: You have to keep in mind God’s promise to David. God doesn’t forget promises, even when the people he promised stuff too get super super lame. God’s promises are bigger than people’s lameness; because God loves to party—and God is quite a powerful, clever, and nice person—he’ll make the party happen.

Kam: That’s a much nicer place to stop the story.

Exodus

Here is the second script I wrote for my youth group. No artwork this time. When we did this at youth group, Miriam's song was particular fun to fit into the tune of Hotline Bling, because it does not fit at all.

Kam: So what happened with Abraham and Sarah’s kids being stuck in slavery and the jerk party.

Narrator: Well, the rich Egyptian rich people really liked slavery. Forcing people to work for free so they don't have to really fit their life style. Slavery meant they would have more stuff and money. Which let them party a lot.

Kam: That sucks for the other people. What about the slave’s parties? By maximizing their own party-time, Pharoh and the rich peops stopped others from partying. That’s not an efficient way to maximize partying.

Narrator: Pharaoh and his buds did not care about other people’s parties.

Kam: Well, seems like they weren’t all that committed partiers then.

Narrator: I guess they weren’t. But they were committed to slavery. They liked that a lot.

Exodus 1:8-11 then a new king, to whom Joseph meant nothing, came to power in Egypt.“Look,” he said to his people, “the Israelites have become far too numerous for us. Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become even more numerous and, if war breaks out, will join our enemies, fight against us and leave the country.” So they put slave masters over them to oppress them with forced labor, and they built Pithom and Rameses as store cities for Pharaoh.

Pharaoh: This slavery thing is ingenious. I can’t believe we didn’t think of it earlier. Other people do the work for us, so we can do what we want all the time.

Egyptian Rich People: Slavery is the best. You don’t even have to give them breaks. Look at these awesome cities they built for us. They work, we party. Best system ever.

Pharaoh: I know, right?

Narrator: Abraham and Sarah’s kids, or the Hebrews, were not big fans of slavery. They  wondered about God’s plan to party with them in a special place of their own.

Hebrews: Hey God. This slavery stuff is really lame. We work a lot, building stuff. It’s pretty cool stuff too. We did a good job on these cities. They’re solid. But we don’t get paid, and the cities aren’t for us. They’re for the Egyptians and their stupid king: Pharaoh. That guy is a jerk.

Narrator: Pharaoh was a jerk. He was also creepy. He watched the Hebrews a lot. Seeing that there were a lot of them, they were pretty ripped, and they weren’t fans of the slavery thing, Pharaoh was worried they may do something crazy. Like stop working. Or get violent. Both of which would interrupt pharaoh’s partying. Pharaoh decided to double down on his jerk strategy.

Pharaoh: Hey Egyptian rich people: these Israelites could be a real big problem for us. If they stop working, we might have to work, and that means less partying. I propose we treat them worse. I’m talking: no coffee breaks, retirement or vacation. And lots of whipping.

Egyptian Rich People: Well, we were already treating them pretty bad. But well try and be bigger jerks.

Narrator: Pharaoh had one more idea. His jerkiest idea yet. Just thinking it gave him that sweet, megalomaniac-feeling that he enjoyed.

Kam: Did his heart shrink three sizes. Is Pharaoh story basically the reverse Grinch?

Narrator: I guess there some parallels between the Who’s in Whoville and the Hebrews. Pharaoh wasn’t a fan of the Hebrew’s observing any holidays. But I don’t think there’s much crossover besides that. Anywho, Pharoah did like being a jerk, and when he got his jerkiest idea yet he called for the nurse in charge of delivering Hebrew babies: Puah.

Pharaoh: Hey Pooooo. Come here. I want to talk to you.

Puah: My name is Pu-AH!

Pharaoh: Whatever. I don’t care. So Poo, I want you to do something for me.

Puah: Well, seeing as I am your slave, I guess kind of have to.

Pharaoh: Right, slavery…. Such a rad idea. Anywho. I need you to do me a solid: when them Hebrew women have a kid, if it’s a girl—let her live, but if it’s a boy—kill him.

Puah: You’re an evil man.

Pharaoh: And you’re a slave. So do what I tell you to do, and don’t give me any lip.

Kam: Oh, that’s much worse than stealing Christmas.

Narrator: Yeah. It’s tough top killing babies. That’s basically as evil as it gets. Puah was afraid of Pharaoh, but she knew God was a bigger deal. So she didn’t kill the Hebrew boys. She told Pharaoh the Hebrew women popped babies out too fast, so when she got there the kid was already born. Pharaoh decided on a new strategy.

Pharaoh: My fellow rich people, listen to me. The Hebrews are having too many kids. We need to stop them.

Egyptian Rich People: Well, we can’t really stop them from having kids.

Pharaoh: Of course not. I’m not crazy. I just want you to throw the boys into the river. There are crocodiles in there.

Egyptian Rich People: Ok.

Narrator: So the Egyptian Rich People starting throwing babies in the river. This sucked. One Hebrew mom, decided to beat them to the punch. She put her baby in a basket. And put the little dude in the river. She sent her daughter to watch the basket from the shore. Pharaoh’s daughter spotted the basket.

Pharaoh’s daughter: Is that a baby in the river. Babies don’t go there. Hey you, random girl who happens to be watching from the reeds!

Moses’ sister: Me?

Pharaoh’s daughter: Yeah, go get a Hebrew woman to nurse that baby for me.

Moses’ sister: Oki Doki.

Narrator: So the girl went and got the baby’s mom.

Kam: That worked out well.

Narrator: Yup. They named the little dude Moses.

Exodus 2:23—25 During that long period, the king of Egypt died. The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out, and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God.  God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them.

Narrator: When Moses was older, he was pretty angry and angst-y, and he killed an Egyptian dude for beating-up a Hebrew guy. So he had to run away to the desert and became a shepherd. Meanwhile the Hebrews groaned a lot because slavery sucks. Their groanings went up to God.

Hebrews: Ughhh. Slavery is soooooo lame.

Son: What’s all that racket? I can barely hear myself think.

Spirit: It’s the Hebrews. They’re groaning again what with all the slavery.

Son: That Pharaoh guy is such a jerk.

Father: Hey, isn’t it time we did something about that.

Son: Yeah, I think we had something in our calendar about that. Where’s that guy we were going to use?

Spirit: Moses?

Father: He’s in the desert still. We should go talk to him.

Kam: I think God likes to talk to people in deserts

Narrator: I think you’re right. Might be something to do with the minimalist scenery. So God went to talk to Moses, who was with his sheep. God went to a special place. His favorite bush. He made it burst into flames, but the flames didn’t consume it.

Kam: Nice! Flashy.

Narrator: God likes to make an impression on occasion.

God (all three): MOSES!

Moses: Hello. I am here.

Son: Yes. We know. We see you.

Spirit: Take your shoes off. This is a special place.

Moses: I was going to say something. It’s really nice here. I like the burning motif.

Father: Let us introduce ourselves. We’re God.

Son: You may have heard of us from the Jacob Story.

Spirit: Or Abraham and Isaac. That was us too.

Father: The one and only.

Son: We’re very concerned with this slavery thing. You see we have a party planned, and Pharaoh isn’t cooperating, he’s not letting people off work for the party.

Spirit: All work and no party make Israel a dull nation.

Father: And there’s the suffering. Things really suck for the Hebrews.

Father: We’ve got a special place for them, a perfect place to party with us. We’re going to bring them out of Egypt to that place.

Spirit: And from that place the party will spread all around. It’s going to be sweet.

Moses: Ok. Why are you telling me all this? I’m just a shepherd. I take care of sheep. I could move some sheep to that place if you want.

Son: Oh, sorry, we forgot to tell you. You’re gonna go to Egypt and tell Pharaoh to let our people go.

Spirit: Our people is our pet name for the Hebrews.

Father: It’s adorbs. We know.

Moses: I’m pretty sure Pharaoh will just kill me. He already hates me. He kills people for lots of stuff. I’m pretty sure bossing him around is a kill-able offense. And I’m pretty sure if someone he hates bosses him around, he’ll be even more set on the killing.

Father: Oh, don’t worry about that. We’ll be there.

Moses: Will he see you?

Son: Well, no. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’ll be there.

Moses: Why would anyone listen to me?

Spirit: Tell them we sent you. We’re kind of a big deal.

Son: You know we’re THE God.

Father: Tell them that “I AM that I AM” sent you. That’s our name.

Moses: That’s a weird name.

Spirit: You’re weird! Our name is awesome!

Father: You can call us Yahweh though. Or just God. Or The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, if brevity isn’t you’re thing.

Son: After you’re done. Come here with the Hebrews. We’ll have a little party on this mountain to get ready for the big one.

Spirit: Pharaoh will be angry. He is a jerk. So we’ll have to be extra firm with him and the Egyptians. We’re not big fans of being extra firm; but some jerks don’t respond to anything else.

Father: Just so you don’t forget. What are the instructions you just heard.

Moses: I go back to Egypt. Tell Pharaoh that you say “Let my people go”, meaning the Hebrews. I tell Pharaoh and the Hebrews that “I AM that I AM” sent me. After Pharaoh lets us go, we come back here for a party.

Father: Yep. Good memory! Now go.

Spirit and Son: See you soon. Tell my people we say hi!

Narrator: So Moses went back to Egypt. He took his brother Aaron, because Aaron could talk good. They went to Pharaoh’s house.

Exodus 5:1 Afterward Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the wilderness.’”

Aaron: We humbly request an audience with the esteemed Pharaoh of Egypt to discuss the release of the Hebrew people so-as-to make possible a brief excursion to the wilds of this most magnificent land to observe a special religious ceremony with our God.

Moses (whispering): Nice.

Pharaoh: Who is this “God” fella. I’m freaking Pharaoh. As in THE Pharaoh. I am the big deal. And I have plenty of gods myself, fancy ones with gold beaks, and jackal heads. Lots of and lots of gods. Why should I care about the Hebrew god. The Hebrews are lazy. I’m not giving them a break. You know what, since you asked so nicely, I’m going to make them make bricks without straw.

Narrator: The Hebrews over heard this. They were not happy.

Hebrews: MOSES! Shut-up! You’re making it worse.

Kam: Wait, there are straws in bricks?

Narrator: Well, not drink straws. Straw like grass.

Kam: There’s grass in bricks?

Narrator: Just listen to the story! Then Moses went away to talk to God.

Moses: God. This isn’t going well.

Father: What did we tell you to do?

Moses: Go to Pharaoh. Tell him to let your people go. After we go, we go to that mountain with the burning bush.

Father: Good. What was it you were saying?

Moses: Well, things aren’t going well. I did what you said. Now Pharaoh and the Hebrews hate me.

Son: Remember what we said about the firmness. Go back, tell Pharaoh to let Our People go. When he doesn’t we’ll send a plague of firmness. If he still doesn’t let Our People go, we’ll send another plague of firmness. Repeat the process. It should take ten plagues.

Spirit: See you soon. Tell my people we say hi!

Narrator: So Moses and Aaron went back to Pharaoh.

Aaron: The honorable Moses and myself on behalf of the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob hereby inform the irascible and repugnant Pharaoh of Egypt that he must let the Hebrew people go post-haste lest the Lord Almighty send a plague of firmness on the land of Egypt.

Moses: YEAH!

Pharaoh: Y’all are crazy. Get out of here.

Narrator: So God turned water into blood. Super creepy style. Then he started chucking frogs at Egypt. Frogs and Frogs and Frogs. Pharaoh finally relented, and called for Moses.

Pharaoh: Moses. Call your God and tell him to ease off the freaking frogs. Seriously, who throws frogs? It’s gross. I’ll let your people go. Is that good enough for you?

Aaron: Indubitably.

Moses: Alright. I’ll go tell God.

Narrator: So Moses told God. God stopped the frogs. Pharaoh was extra angry because he had a god who was supposed to protect him from this type of thing.

Kam: Wait. He had a god to protect him from raining frogs.

Narrator: He had lots of gods. After the frogs stopped Pharaoh decided not to let the Hebrews go. So Moses and Aaron started the process again. This time God sent gnats. And things repeated like before. The gnats were followed by flies. Than the livestock died. Then there was hail, then boils (nasty giant painful puss-filled pimples). Then hail. Then locusts. Then darkness. People were getting tired of all the plagues.

Egyptian Rich People: Pharaoh, this sucks. This Hebrew God is a pain in the butt. I thought we had our own gods to protect us from these type of shenanigans.

Pharaoh: I know. I know. We all thought our gods would have our backs on this. But what do you want me to do. Let the Hebrews go? Who will do our work for us? Listen, we still got a few gods left, I think will be fine if we just stay the course.

Egyptian Rich People: Alright. Sounds good.

Narrator: God called to Moses to talk about the last plague.

Exodus 11:6 There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt—worse than there has ever been or ever will be again.

Father: So this next plague is a serious one.

Son: We’re going to kill all the firstborn sons in Egypt.

Moses: Heavy.

Spirit: I hate that we have to be so firm; but slavery is a serious thing.

Father: And we’re going to show the Egyptians that their stupid gods that give them permission to keep people as slaves are not going to save them. It’s worshipping lame gods like those that lead to all this freaking oppression that gets in the way of our partying and makes firmness like this necessary. It’s so stupid and lame and wrong and frustrating and. . .

Son: Listen—we made a covenant with your ancestors, and we want to keep that. So you need to tell the Hebrews to take their nicest lambs and sacrifice them. Take the blood from that sacrifice and put it on top your door-frames. Death will not come to the houses that are cover by the blood of the lamb.

Spirit: This is more foreshadowing BTW.

Kam: Right. The whole Jesus thing.

Narrator: Yeah. The Jesus thing is pretty wrapped up in this story. So Moses did what God told him to. And that night God killed the firstborns just like he said. Pharaoh seeing that his gods were not able to protect him, sent for Moses.

Exodus 10:7 Pharaoh’s officials said to him, “How long will this man be a snare to us? Let the people go, so that they may worship the Lord their God. Do you not yet realize that Egypt is ruined?”

Pharaoh: Alright Moses. Your God wins. Take the Hebrews and get out of here.

Egyptian Rich People: Could you hurry too? We don’t want any more of us to die. Here, take a bunch of our stuff—gold and clothes and whatever—just hurry. Leave. Leave now. Like RIGHT now.

Aaron: We shall make-way post-hast.

Narrator: So the Hebrews left Egypt quickly. And headed out into the desert.

Moses: Hey Aaron. Do you know the way to that special land.

Aaron: I thought you were the one that the good Lord had entrusted with directions.

Moses: Nope. I don’t know the way. I figured God told you, since he didn’t tell me.

Aaron: Well this is quite the conundrum.

Spirit: Guys, don’t worry about it. We know how to get there. We’ll go in-front of you.

Son: You’ll notice us—a big giant pillar of cloud in the day.

Father: And a pillar of fire at a night.

Spirit: Fancy right?

Moses: Very fancy. So we just follow those? Sounds good.

Narrator: So everybody followed the pillars of cloud and fire. Meanwhile back in Egypt.

Egyptian Rich People: This sucks. What were we thinking? Now we don’t have any slaves, and we have to work more, and pay others to work. This is a much less favorable arrangement.

Pharaoh: I clearly was not thinking straight. Lets get some chariots and go get them Hebrews back.

Narrator: So Pharaoh and the Egyptians went to go get the Hebrews, who were camping on the beach.

Spirit: Moses, We’re gonna do something pretty awesome today.

Moses: Rad. Awesome is my favorite. 

Father: We’re gonna make it so you can a walk straight through the sea.

Moses: Like on the water?

Son: No, that’s my thing. We’re gonna push the water back and let y’all walk through on dry ground.

Spirit: You just need to stretch your hand out over the water.

Father: Y’all will have to be quick. The Egyptians are coming, they’ve had a change of heart.

Moses: Alright. No going back after this. That'll be nice, a new start!

Narrator: So when the Egyptians came, Moses stretched out his hand and BAM the Hebrews crossed the sea, and then God gave the Egyptians a bath. A bath of death. Miriam, Moses’ sister, wrote a song about it. It goes to the tune Drake’s Hotline Bling:

Miriam (singing): “Sing to the Lord, for he is highly exalted. Both horse and driver he has hurled into the sea.”

Narrator: After the Hebrews crossed they got into a pattern of grumbling, then God would provide what they wanted, then they would grumble about something else.

Kam: Grumble is a fun word.

Narrator: Agreed. The Hebrews had lots to complain about in the desert. But God always got them what they needed and taught them stuff along the way. When they got up to the place with the special burning bush, Moses went up to talk to God.

Exodus 19:18 Mount Sinai was covered with smoke, because the Lord descended on it in fire. The smoke billowed up from it like smoke from a furnace, and the whole mountain trembled violently. As the sound of the trumpet grew louder and louder, Moses spoke and the voice of God answered him.

Father: Sweet, you made it.

Son: Here are the instructions for partying. There’s lots of details but the main points are 10.

Spirit: The main thing is you need to include us in the party. When you start inviting other gods—like the Egyptians—then the party will get lame.

Father: Those other gods, aren’t really gods—not like us, anyways. But when you invite them in, folks start acting like them, and it leads to all sorts of lame stuff.

Son: Like slavery. You remember how much that sucked, right?

Spirit: Basically the instructions boil down to hang-out with us, trust/love us, make sure to rest (which goes back to trusting us), and don’t be jerk.

Moses: Ok. I don’t think I’m going to remember all this.

God the Son: We wrote it down.

Moses: Right. Smart.

Kam: God made the Hebrews a post-it note of party instructions. Rad.

Narrator: I keep telling you, God’s a very thoughtful person. When Moses came down, the Hebrews had got bored, and made their own god to party with. They were very impatient. They wanted to party more like the Egyptians. They liked the fanciness of a statue and gold. This was essentially the opposite of what God wanted.

Kam: This is not a very good start for them.

Narrator: Yeah. It was a pretty bad start. God decided that before they got to the special place he had in mind for them, it would be best if they became a more patient people—so he made them wander around for 40 years in the desert.

Kam: Patience is a tough one. But they got there eventually right, and then God’s party started and everything worked out perfect.

Narrator: Well, they did get there. God gave them their special place. But the Hebrews continued to struggle with patience, and learning to party the right way with God, and often partied just like the Egyptians used to. But God continued to teach them through all their lameness, because they were his people and his big plan had a big role for them.

Kam: Did God have to throw any more frogs?

Narrator: What? No. Not that I’m aware of. I’m pretty sure he was done throwing frogs. That wasn’t a big part of the story.

Kam: It was my favorite part. At least that storyline is wrapped up. These stories need more conclusions. Wrap things up a little neater, make sure to say THE END. Otherwise they could go on forever.

Narrator: Alright Kam. And God never had to throw frogs ever again the end! Happy?

Kam: Yes. It’s a happy ending for the frogs. I like happy endings!

Covenants and Complications

This is a script I wrote for my youth group. Standard bible studies weren't really grabbing my kids, and they're fairly theatrical so I decided to make a script of scripture (ha). I made some of these when I was student teacher to cover world religions, and adjusted the idea for my own pastoring purposes. It's heavily influenced by Robert Farrar Capon's The Third Peacock. It's a good way of getting kids to participate in the story of scripture, and also is helpful if you want to cover a lot of ground to give a sense of the flow of the bigger story of scripture. I try to create scripts with lots of different parts so more kids can participate. I also borrowed the story-telling device of having the both a story-teller and an audience present in the script. This idea I lifted from The Princess Bride.

Narrator: Let me tell you a part of our story, least how it’s come down to me. It’s about a party. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth—and all things were balanced and peaceful. The animals and the land were buds with people, and people were buds with people, and people were buds with God. They all hung-out all the time, and it was a party. But then people wanted to run the party, and mucked everything up.

Kam: What did the people do?

Narrator: Well, they stopped being naked—which kind of ruined the vibe. Also, they ignored God’s warning about some bad fruit; which ended up getting them real sick.

Kam: Like the time you ate the Chinese food you thought was a week old, but turned out it was a month old.

Narrator: Yes. Exactly like that. Will you let me tell the story now?

Kam: Go on.

Narrator: So then the people had to leave the party, they were sometimes jerks to one another, sometimes jerks to God, and sometimes jerks to the land and animals—all of people’s relationships statuses changed to complicated.

Kam: That’s a very dated reference.

Narrator: You’re a dated reference! This part of the story is about some of those complications, and what God did to start fixing them. In the way back times, Adam and Eve had a couple of sons Cain and Abel, and they had a complicated relationship.

Genesis 4:6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”

Cain: Abel, you no what rules?

Abel: Taking care of sheep? They’re so funny, I love them.

Cain: Sheep are dumb. The dirt is where the good stuff comes from. Watermelons and yams, and apples. Dirt Dirt Dirt.

Abel: Dirt is pretty rad, but sheep are cooler—there’s way more going on with them, more that goes into raising sheep. You got to find the good dirt that makes the good grass that makes the good sheep. More of God’s good stuff goes into sheep—that’s kinda how I see it.

Cain: I guess sheep are alright. I like it simple though. Seed goes in the ground, food comes out. And you can always grow another yam if one comes up all mangled looking and gross.

Abel: What are you bringing God for his party tomorrow?

Cain: Well, I don’t have many sheep. I’ve heard those are his favorite. Sometimes when he starts talking I zone out, but I’m pretty sure he said something about sheep. But I only have like 3 or 4 of those guys. I’m gonna bring him some of my yams. I had a ton of great ones this year. Handsome little guys, such a cool deep orange.

Abel: I’m gonna bring him some lambs. I got some fatty ones I’ve been saving—making sure they ate the best of the grass. They look delicious. God is gonna dig on those.

Kam: Are yams the same thing as sweet potatoes.

Narrator: No, sweet potatoes are white. At least I think that’s the difference. Try not to interrupt. So The next day at Cain and Able went to God’s party.

Abel: And here is my present, I hope you like it.

Father: Sweet dude.

Spirit: Oh, heck yeah!! Lamb!!! My favorite.

Son: Check out how chubby those guys are, they got like 5 chins. Thanks Abel.

Abel: No God, Thank-you. You’re the one who makes the grass grow, I just kinda guided the sheep here and there.

Cain: And here’s my gift.

Father: Well, that’s a creative wrapping job. Did you not have tape?

Spirit: Yams. No… That’s… That’s nice. Thanks.

Son: It’s no sheep, but yeah, yams are good.

Cain: You don’t like it?

Son: Well, it’s just that we always talk about how much we like sheep. We literally told you: “Sheep make the best presents.”

Father: You weren’t really listening last time we hung-out were you?

Spirit: Yams have always been more your favorite than ours.

Cain: Whatever, y’all just like Abel more.

Narrator: Now after the party Cain was bummed that God wasn’t stoked on his gift. Cain pouted and then Cain got angry. He got real angry. Angry with Abel. Cain caught up with Abel after the party. Cain punched Abel in the face. Abel died, bleeding all over the land.

Kam: Wow. That escalated quickly.

Narrator: Yes. Yes it did. When Abel died, his blood shouted up at God.

Kam: Wait. What?

Narrator: It’s a story, deal with it.

Abel: God. Cain killed me. Now my blood is all over the place.

Father: Cain is this true? Did you kill Abel.

Cain: Where’d you hear that? I don’t even know where Abel is. Why did you ask me? You’re always blaming me for stuff. Get off my back.

Son: Dude, Abel’s blood won’t shut up. It’s crying out.

Abel (his blood): AHHH AHHH AHHH I’m  Abel’s blood.  I’m crying out.

Spirit: Cain, you give bad gifts, you killed your brother, and now you’re lying and shifting blame. You need to leave now.

Narrator: So Cain left.

Cameron: Sounds like a lame party.

Narrator: Yeah, the party got lame. When Cain got kicked out he went out and had some kids. His kids were a lot like him. Most of them were jerks, and lied and got mad and killed people. The world became full of jerks. Mostly. There was one dude he was by and large a pretty ok guy, his name was Noah.

Genesis 6:5 The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time.

Jerks: It’s pretty swell being mean and doing whatever we want and lying and killing. No way we’re ever gonna stop. Being evil is the way to be. EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! (Chanting)

Father: Ughh, people have become a bunch of jerks.

Spirit: They’ve ruined the whole party.

Son: What should we do?

Father: We should start over.

Son: Let’s go back to the just water stage.

Spirit: Well that sucks, all these people and animals will be wiped out. People could’ve been so much better than jerks.

Son: Yup. Lets save some of the animals, they’re still pretty swell.

Father: Oh, and Noah. I like Noah. He still talks to us and isn’t into the whole evil thing.

Father, Son, & Spirit: Agreed!

Narrator: So God decided to flood the world and save some of the animals and Noah and his family.

Spirit: Hey Noah! How’s it going?

Noah: God! Hey man, it’s not that great. It’s getting pretty evil down here. The jerks like being jerks. It’s pretty lame.

Spirit: Yeah, about that, we’ve got some hard news. You should sit down.

Son: We’ve talked about it, we’re going to flood the world and take out all the jerks.

Father: But we’re going to save you and the animals.

Noah: Heavy.

Spirit: So here’s what you gotta do. Build a big boat. We’ll send two of most the animals, and a few more of the others. So after the flood the earth can get back to being a good, peaceful and balanced place—where all of us can be our most creative selves and celebrate with awesome parties.

Noah: Well, I better get to work. Thanks for the heads-up. You’re the best.

Narrator: So Noah built the boat. The animals came. It was snug. God flooded the earth and all the jerks drowned.

Father: Well, that was unpleasant.

Spirit: We’re not doing that again.

Son: Yeah, lets not.

Father: Noah, animals—y’all can come out now, we got something we have to say.

Son: We are making a covenant with you.

Spirit: You meaning people—so your kids and their kids too.

Son: You and all the land, the birds, the cattle, the animals, all the living creatures. This is their covenant too.

Noah: Covenant?

Father: Sorry, let me explain covenant to you—it’s like a treaty. It’s a forever promise that neither side can get out of. Marriage is a covenant.

Noah: Word.

Son: Here’s the covenant: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood. As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.

Father: Here’s a symbol of the covenant, so y’all don’t forget. We’ll put it up high so everyone can see.

Son: It’s a bow, like a bow and arrow. Y’all can call it a rainbow. The bow will be pointing up at us because of science. But also because y’all are gonna be jerks again unfortunately, but we’ll take the consequences instead of you. It’s called foreshadowing.

Spirit: A bow pointing up at us is to remind you that we’re in this together, by making this promise—we the creator are making ourselves vulnerable.

Noah: Heavy. Thanks.

Narrator: So God made a covenant with the earth and all it’s inhabitants.

Kam: That was nice of God to include the animals.

Narrator: God’s a very thoughtful person. After Noah people struggled with being jerks again. Some of them stopped talking to God. They stopped inviting him over for parties, thinking that their parties would be more fun without God.

Genesis 11:3-4  they said to each other, “Come, let’s make bricks and bake them thoroughly.” They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. ⁴ Then they said, “Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves; otherwise we will be scattered over the face of the whole earth.”

Jerks: Let’s make a name for ourselves! Let’s throw a party where we make a giant fort. It will be even better than God’s party. WOOO!!!

Father: Those jerks are partying without us again.

Son: They don’t really understand how great a party can be with us.

Spirit: How could they? They haven’t invited us to their party in forevers. And they don’t respond our invites… like… ever.

Son: We had this fort-night idea last week, and they didn’t even RSVP, now they’re playing it off like it’s their idea! BAH!

Father: Here’s the problem—if they’re happy with parties that don’t include us, they’ll never see the need to party with us. The whole point of this creation thing was to throw the biggest most excellently epic party ever—with EVERYONE.

Son: Even a good party is no substitute for the best party.

Father: Their parties aren’t even good. They always end with big fights.

Spirit: Let’s crash their party!

Narrator: So God crashed the jerk’s party. He busted up their fort (which really wasn’t all that great) and sent them to other houses. Parties after that were a lot smaller. Some of the jerks became less of jerks, some more. Some remembered to talk to God and invite him to their parties (though most of the time it was God doing the inviting). Most the people in the earth were jerks most of the time. The evil fad was still a thing.

Genesis 12:1-3The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.”

Father: Well, jerks are still jerking.

Son: They’re gonna ruin the whole thing.

Spirit: Again!

Father: Well, we’re in the covenant—so no flooding this time.

Son: Well, let’s keep up on that theme.

Father & Spirit: We’re listening…

Son: Well, let’s make another covenant, but this time with one particular family. Out of that family we’ll make a special people. We’ll give them a special land. And from that special people and land our party will go out to everyone.

Father: Just what I had in mind!!

Spirit: People are prone to be jerks, so if we have a special person, people, and place to show how partying with us is an alternative to being a jerk… Yeah…

Father: I like it. We send out invitations again: this time through one person and so on; that way people who are waffling between being jerks and coming to the party, can see just how awesome it is to party with us.

Son: I think the obvious choice is Abram and Sarai—their always calling us, and texting us to see what’s going on.

Spirit: Their old, but still fun—I love that. Let’s do it.

Narrator: So God went to go talk to Abram and Sarai.

Father: Hey Abram, Sarai, come to Canaan. We want to talk to you there. We’ve got a surprise for you.

Abram: Well, that’s a long ways away, I’ve never been there.

Sarai: There’s all sorts of scary wilderness and jerks in-between here and there, but you’ve never steered me wrong.

Abram: We’re on our way.

Narrator: On the way, God took Abram and Sarai to a special place to talk.

Cameron: Like a coffee shop. Was this like a date?

Narrator: Sure—kind of.

Father: Abram, let’s talk.

Abram: I’m all ears.

Spirit: We are making a covenant with you. It’s special. It has to do with the party.

Abram: We’ve heard you’ve got a big party planned.

Sarai: We’re excited for what you’ve got in store.

Son: We’re gonna have a special relationship with you, but we don’t want the party to be just you and us. We want the party to be for everyone—jerks included—birds, animals, plants—everyone and everything.

Spirit: You’re gonna have a buttload of kids. They’re going to have special land and a special way of doing things. We’ll hangout together there with them so that news will spread and more people will hear about the party, the invites will go out to all the everywhere/everybody. You’re gonna be a big deal.

Abram: Why me?

Father: Because you kept talking to us. You had faith. Faith is a big part of the party we have planned.

Abram: Rad.

Narrator: Later God went back to make the covenant super official.

Father: So, we’re going to formalize this covenant. This is how they do it in these parts: you sacrifice a couple animals and cut them in half, and place them opposite each other.

Abram: Weird.

Father: Weird is in the eye of the beholder.

Abram: I guess.

Kam: That is weird. Like empirically weird.

Narrator: I don’t know what to say, it’s how they did things then.

Spirit: Then the people making the covenant will walk between the two halves of the animals. It’s a way of saying: “If one of us backs out of the covenant, what happened to these animals will happen to me.”

Narrator: So Abram set up the weird ceremony as God told him. But then he fell asleep. Abram was old. While he was asleep he saw God as a flaming torch. Which is a very special thing to have happened. God went between the two halves of the animals, by himself. God made the covenant with Abram, but tweaked the idea of covenant so that the consequences would come back on him. God does things weird, but it’s a pretty and profound weird.

Kam: Profound weird because of Jesus, right?

Narrator: Yes Kam. Profound weird because of Jesus.

A few years later God showed up to Abraham’s house (God changed Abram’s name to something more fatherly, also Sarai was now Sarah). Abraham welcomed him, and Sarah started making some dinner. Abraham and Sarah had gotten super super old by this point. This time when God came, he came as three dudes—a very weird thing to do.

Genesis 18:10—12 Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing.  So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

Abraham: So God, about those kids. I’m crazy old, and so is Sarah. What’s the deal?

Father: Listen, we’re going to come back this time next year and you and Sarah are gonna have yourselves a little dude running around.

Sarah: (Laughs)

Spirit: Why did you laugh?

Sarah: I didn’t laugh.

Son: Yes, you did. We aren’t joking about this.

Narrator: A year later Sarah had herself a son. She had a real quirky sense of humor and named him Isaac. Isaac means laughter. God laughed when he heard the name. Humor was something they bonded over.

Kam: Awe. That’s sweet.

Narrator: Isaac had kids. They had kids. And those kids had kids. Lots and lots of kids. And some were jerks, some weren’t, but they were all special because of the promise God made Abraham. Abraham and Sarah’s grand-kids still didn’t have a special place of their own: the land God promised them. When food got scarce they moved to Egypt. They stayed there, and eventually Egypt made it so they couldn’t leave. Egypt was being a jerk. Abraham and Sarah’s grandkids became slaves, and wondered about all this covenant business about God.

Kam: Slavery is not a party.

Narrator: No. Slavery is not a party. It is pretty much the exact opposite of a party. But that’s where jerk parties end-up—slavery. So that’s some of story of God’s complicated relationship with people—both the jerks and not jerks (though they’re all kind of jerks a lot of the time, we all are). Complications and covenants, God is always working on his party prep.

Kam: Good story. I liked that you worked in the title at the end there. So smooth